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How do elephants climb an oak tree? They sit on an acorn and wait for spring! How do elephants get down from an oak tree? They sit on a leaf and wait for fall! How do you get 4 elephants in a compact? 2 in the front and 2 in the back How does an elephant go on holiday? (1) He packs his trunk! How does an elephant go on holiday? (2) He takes a jumbo jet! How do you get down from an elephant? You don't - you get down from a duck! How do elephants hide in a cherry tree? They paint their toe nails red Why did the elephant use the phone? To make a trunk call! Why can't the two elephants go swimming together? Because they only have one pair of trunks!! How do you hunt for elephants? Hide in a bush and make a noise like a peanut Did we say they were good jokes??? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor I can't stop stealing things Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV! Doctor, Doctor What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains? Pull yourself together man! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge? What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm god? How did that start? In the beginning there was darkness...... Doctor, Doctor Every bone in my body aches! Just be glad you aren't a herring! Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow! Doctor, Doctor I think I've broken my neck? Don't worry - keep your chin up! Doctor Doctor My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do? Use a pencil! Doctor Doctor What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? I find that very hard to believe! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards? I'll deal with you later! Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking! Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon? Still still and don't stir! Doctor, Doctor Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye! I suggest you take the spoon out! Doctor, Doctor My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me. Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it! Doctor, Doctor Please help me. I think I'm invisible Next Please! Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed my mouth organ Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a cat? How long has this been going on? Oh, since I was a kitten I guess! Doctor, Doctor I've got insomnia Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off! Doctor, Doctor Is there anything wrong with my heart? After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!! Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! Doctor Doctor I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better? Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal? But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon? Doctor to Dumb Blonde Well Miss, I've discovered your problem - you are pregnant! Oh! Is it mine? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He pushed his friend under a steamroller because he wanted a flat mate! He'd give his right arm to be ambidexterous! His secretary is a miracle worked - its a miracle if she works! How many millions of time have I warned you not to exaggerate! The lobster went to the disco - and pulled a mussel! The fire at the local camp site - the heat was intents! The wedding was really emotional - even the cake was in tiers! Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper! Take a 9 to 5 job in Las Vegas - the wages are poor but the odds are great! It isn't easy being a Mother - if it were Fathers would do it! He became a baker because he kneaded the dough! I love work - I could watch it all day! A little honey is good for you - until your wife finds out! Home is the place where teenagers go to refuel! He took the defeat like a man - he blamed it on his wife! I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure! If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance you won't either. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is the worst golf course I've ever played on! This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago! Well Caddy, How do you like my game? Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf. Well, I have never played this badly before! I didn't realize you had played before, Sir! Caddy, Do you think my game is improving? Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to! I'm sorry to not tee off today but my Doctor's told me I can't play golf! Oh, so he's played with you too, Sir! My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me! I'm sure you'll miss her terribly, Sir! Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week! Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting! This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass! The man was obviously having problems repeating the oath in the witness box. The judge looked down contemptuously, "Do you know how to swear?", he asked. "Of course I do, Your Honor", came the reply, " I'm your caddie". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He's (or She's) such a good golfer .... he's really improved. Today he hit the ball in one! he shout's "Fore" when he putts! he just missed a hole in one - by 5 strokes! he was sent to a psychiatrist because he thought golf was a game! he can't help but cheat - when he got a hole in one he wrote 0 on the card! If you like golf jokes you'll love our Lifestyle Cartoon collection with lots of royalty free sports cartoons on golf and other sports you can use in your golf club magazine, newsletter or notice board. Laughter gets you noticed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it! My Doctor said I should play 36 holes a day - so I bought a harmonica! "You are so obsessed with golf you don't even remember the day we got married!" "Of course I do. It was the day I sank this 40 foot putt at the 15th" Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The groom turned to his lovely wife in the wedding car and said "I have a confession to make to you. I am a golf fanatic. I live golf, I breath golf, I sleep golf. Its on my mind day and night" "Well I have a confession too", said the Bride, "I'm a hooker". "No problem", said the groom, reaching for her wrists. "Just hold your left hand a little higher with your thumb down...." "I refuse to play golf with Jim ever again", complained Charlie at the bar. "He found his ball 2 foot from the green" "Well that's quite possible", said the barman. "Not when it's in my pocket", said Charlie! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In our regular 9:00am foursome at our local club, we were all very surprised that Harry stopped as a distant hearse went past, laid down his club and doffed his cap. "That's a very nice gesture", said Fred. "It's the least I can do", said Harry putting his ball on the tee, "She was a very good wife to me!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a man and his wife went to play golf at their local course. The man was having an especially good round when on the 15th hole he sliced his drive behind a large barn. The man was just about to take an unplayable lie when his wife noticed that the barn had doors on both ends. She suggested that he open one set of the doors and she would open the other set and then he would have a clear shot through the barn to the green. So, the man took his 3-iron, swung away, hit the ball through the barn, but the ball hit his wife square in the head and she dropped over dead. Two weeks later the man was playing the same hole and again sliced his drive behind the same barn. When his friend suggested that they hold the barn doors open, the man exclaimed, "Don't you remember what happened the last time?!?!? I got a double-bogey!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diner Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter Don't worry, Sir, - it's not that hot! Diner I don't like all the flies here! Waiter Well show me which ones you don't like and I'll swat them for you. Diner This egg is bad Waiter Well, its not my fault - I just laid the table! Diner What's your thumb doing on my steak! Waiter I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, Sir! Diner Waiter, I can't eat this terrible food. Waiter Well its no good complaining to me, I won't eat it either. Diner Will my hamburger be long Waiter No sir, it will be round! Diner Is the salmon on the menu wild? Waiter No sir, but I could easily upset it for you. Diner This food is completely disgusting Waiter Well sir, it does say eat dirt cheap outside. Diner This coffee tastes like mud! Waiter Well it was ground only an hour ago? Diner Why is this chop so tough? Waiter Its a karate chop, sir! Diner I can't find any steak in this steak pie! Waiter Well you won't find any horse in the horse-radish either! Diner I can't cut this steak! Waiter Hold on, sir, I'll get the knife sharpener. Waiter Here's a new steak sir. Would you like anything with it? Diner A hammer and chisel if it's like the last one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not one mention of a fly in the soup? - I guess we will have to stick with tradition Diner to Waiter: There's a fly in my Soup - Damn flies, they'll eat anything, Sir! - Please don't fuss, Sir, everyone will want one! - Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge! - Oh dear, the frog must have missed it! - Don't worry, sir. The goldfish will eat it in a minute. - We can serve it separately if you prefer. Diner to Waiter: "There's a dead fly in my Soup" - Its the heat that kills them, Sir. - Oh dear, it must have committed insecticide. Diner to Waiter: "What's this fly doing in my Soup" - Breaststroke! - Cadging a free meal! - Drowning? - Playing polo with the pea, sir! And Finally! Diner to Waiter: "How dare you spill soup on my trousers" - I am sorry sir, but now you have soup in your fly! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diner to Waitress: "How long have you worked here?" "About 3 months, Sir." "Well it can't be you who took my order then!" Diner Can I have coffee please, but no cream Waiter I am sorry Sir, but we are out of cream. Would you like it without milk? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children! Do your children a favor, don't have any! If your parents didn't have any children, you won't have either! Our kid makes us want to jump for joy! Off a skyscraper! The hardest job in the world is to raise a child; especially in the morning! Never hit children except in self-defence! The only time children will run an errand is at bed-time Its not easy arguing with Children, Firstly you're not young enough to know everything! The accent is on the young, but the stress is on the parents! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now for the "Orphan" jokes I was bought up in an orphanage. One day this man came to the door asking for donations for the children's home and my father gave me to him! At the age of six I was left an orphan. Now tell me, what can you do with an orphan when you're six? I ran away last year and it took them six weeks to find me? Why? They didn't look!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Children:- - will never put off till tomorrow what can keep them out of bed today! - can be a great comfort in the old age they drove you to! - are always ready to give you the benefit of their inexperience! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Father to Son: I am ashamed of you; why when I was your age I could name all the President's in order! Son: Yes Dad, but there were only three of them then Boy: "What would I have to give you to get you to kiss me?" Girl: "Chloroform!" Boy: "Darling, if we get married will you be able to live on my income?" Girl: "Of course I will, Darling. But what will you live on?" Boy: "Darling, you have an hour-glass figure" Girl: "That's no reason to run hands all over it!" Boy: "Whisper those three little words that will make me walk on air!" Girl: "Go hang yourself?" Boy: Will you let me kiss you? Girl: But I have scruples! Boy: That's OK - I've been vaccinated! Boy: "If you argue with me once more I shall kiss you passionately" Girl: "Oh no you won't!" Boy: "Wow! Where did you learn to kiss like that!" Girl: "I used to be a tester in a bubblegum factory!" Boy: "Would you like to get in the back seat?" Girl: "Can't I stay in the front with you?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then what do girls say to each other? Alice: "What would you give a man who had everything?" Emily: "Encouragement" Alice: "John says I'm really beautiful" Emily: "That's only because you feed his guide dog!" Alice: "Well, Emily, my boyfriend has finally persuaded me to say yes!" Emily: "So when's the wedding?" Alice: "Who said anything about a wedding? She was only the Architect's daughter but she let the City surveyor! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Husband My wife's so fat its criminal! Shop Assistant Don't worry, Sir, - she's bought a girdle to fit the crime! Investor to Broker What do you recommend about Pork bellies Broker Eat less and exercise more! Patient I'm sure I'm the right weight for my height, Doctor! Doctor Well, you must be 7 ft. 7 inches tall! Fat Woman Why Officer, Could you see me across the street? Policeman Well Ma'am, I could see you a mile off! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And here's the one-liners She's so fat that: - Her appendix scars two feet long - She's been barred from one way streets - She wore red and men hailed her for a bus! - She wore yellow and men whistled at here - for a taxi! - Her dress size is the one after Truck - She put on her wedding dress and the family went snow blind! - She watches her weight - its right out in front of her! - She has more chins than a Chinese Telephone Directory! - When she went for a passport photograph, they took it by satellite! - She went sun bathing on the beach and the tide couldn't come in! - She wears her stomach ankle length! - Her wedding car was a U-Haul! - When she passes the drugstore the scales hide! - Just yesterday she tripped over her chins! - She slipped into something comfortable - a truck! Just to prove we're not sexist! He's so fat, the only thing that gets thinner is his hair! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Samantha had been boring her friends to death about her new diet. That evening one of the friends went into the local restaurant and saw Samantha with a 2 inch thick double T-Bone, French fries, Potato, and all the trimmings. "So that's what you mean about your diet then", said the friend "I couldn't help it", cried Samantha, " I had to eat for the strength to keep dieting!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a typical blonde named Suzy. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes and she was totally sick of all the blonde jokes; so one day she decided to get a make-over. She cut and dyed her hair and dyed her eyelashes. And to complete the feel good factor she went out and bought a brand new convertible. The next day she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over. "Hey, That's a real nice flock of sheep," she said. "Well, thank you, miss" said the herder. "I have a proposition for you," said Suzy. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Why, Sure," said the herder, convinced no one could guess exactly. So Suzy sat up and looked at the herd for a few seconds, then replied, "178". "Wow!" said the herder. "Incredible. That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out any sheep you want to take home.". So Suzy went and picked one out and put it in her car. The herder leaned over the convertible and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" queried Suzy. "Well," said the herder, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's some jokes submitted by Site Visitor, Lacy! How do you drive a blonde insane? Put her in a round room and tell her to find the corner!! Three blondes walked into this bar and one said, "Beer all around"! And so they toasted "Here's to 51 days"! So the bartender asks, "Hey, what are you guys celebrating?" To which one replied, "Well, the puzzle box said 2-3 years, and we finished it in 51 days! How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her that she is pregnant. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?? Pull the pin out and throw it back. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M company?? She counted all the 'M's and threw away all the 'W's. A blonde and a brunet were walking down the street, and the brunet says, "Oh, look at that poor dead bird". The blonde looks up, "Where"?!? Why did the blonde look at the frozen carton of orange juice for two hours? It said 'concentrate'. How do you keep a Blonde amused for hours? Write "turn over" on boths sides of a sheet of paper! Why was the Blonde up on the roof? Someone said "The drinks are on the house!". What do you you call 10 Blondes in a circle? A Dope Ring! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- More blonde jokes - I guess the jokes are dumber than the characters they feature! What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. What does a blonde do when she looks in the mirror each morning? Introduce herself. Why do blondes stick their heads out of car windows? To get a refill. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They break the bottles when they put them in the typewriter. Why do blondes always have at least one brunette with them? To interpret! What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever Why do blondes fail driving test? Every time the car stops they jump in the back seat! Why did the 3 blondes drown in the back of a pick up? They couldn't open the tail gate! He's (or she's) so stupid that: When it came to the bit on the form that said sign she wrote "Sagittarius" When he graduated from nursery he was so excited that he could hardly shave. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change! He invented a new type of parachute - it opens on impact! He things Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company! He sold his car for gasoline money! He can't count to 20 with his shoes on! He stood in front of the mirror with his eyes shut - just to see what he looked like asleep! His boss stopped his lunch breaks - it took too long to retrain him! He got a pet Zebra and called it spot. He heard that most car accidents happen with 3 miles of home! So he moved house! More Insults? Scientists are trying to build the ultimate moron; and using him as the blueprint! Brains aren't everything. In his case they're nothing! He claims he has an open mind; if you ask me its just vacant! He doesn't know his own mind - well he hasn't missed much! He speaks his mind - but it limits the conversation! He's a self made man who gave the job to the lowest bidder! If ignorance is bliss he must be ecstatic! Men like him don't grow on trees - they swing from them! He called himself a wit - well he was half right! When he graduated from nursery school he was so excited he could hardly shave! He had an accident at work today - he was struck by a thought! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teacher Dennis, Your shoes are on the wrong feet! Dennis But Ma'am, these are the only feet I've got! I asked the local garage man if my indicators were working. So he stood behind the car while I switched them on. "Yes, they are!", he replied. "No, they're not, Yes they are. No, they're not, Yes they are. No, they're not, Yes they are. " -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good lines to sack someone with? I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try! There's something extra in your pay packet this week - your cards! We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you. Look, let me put your cards on the table. Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired! I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again. They told me to get some enthusiasm back into this unit. So I'm firing you with enthusiasm. Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow? "I'm never going to work for that man again" "Why, what did he say?" "You're fired" Have you heard how "New Labour" are going to reduce the dole queues? They are going to make people stand closer together! The fire alarm system here is terrific. The minute someone gets fired the whole office knows about it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Husbands complain about their wives to their friends - here are some one liners: - Our marriage was a love match plain and simple, she was plain and I was simple! - The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on the way back from the church.... - There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my wife! - My wife gave up sex for Lent and I didn't notice till Christmas. - Well, I can remember where and when I got married, but why? Wife to husband: Before we got married you told me you were well off ? Husband to wife: I was! and I didn't know it! What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering across the yard? She shot him again! Older man to young woman: I'd like you for my wife Young woman to older man: What would your wife want with me? Wife to husband: I think I'd look good in something long and flowing Husband to wife: I could throw you in the river? Husband to friend: Do you know what it means to me to go home to a really good meal in a clean and tidy home? Friend: You've gone to the wrong house? Wife to friend: - My husband put some magic back in our marriage - He disappeared! - I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my husband to the airport! - I've never forgotten the day I got married - and don't think I haven't tried hard! - The only thing my husband and I have in common is we got married on the same day! Marriage: - Isn't a word - its a sentence! - Is a fine institution - but who wants to live in an institution! - Is a good way for a woman to keep active till the right man comes along! - Is a very good thing - but don't make a habit of it! Every Man needs a wife Because you can't blame everything that goes wrong on the government! Husband to friend: The trouble is I met my wife at the local dance. Friend: What's the problem with that? Husband: I thought she was home with the kids; she thought I was out watching football. Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence? Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole! Husband to wife: I've put up with that intefering old hag for 10 years - your mother will have to go! Wife to Husband: My mother? But I though she was your mother! Friend to Wife: Do you think your husband is hard to please? Wife: I really don't know - I've never tried? Friend to Wife: Why do you think your husband is tired of you? Wife: Well, I haven't seen him for 5 years! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you need the perfect description for someone you just met - just read through this list and see if you can find it! Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. Bright as Alaska in December. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. He's so dense, the light bends around him. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes". One burger short of a happy meal. One sandwich short of a picnic. The wheels still turning but the hamsters dead. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. He doesn't have all his cups in his cupboard. Why does an alcoholic have arthritis? Because he's always stiff in one joint or another What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk doesn't have to go to meetings! What's the difference between rich man who drinks too much and a poor man who drinks too much. The rich man's an alcoholic and the poor man's a drunkard! The drunk staggers into the AA meeting and is met by the moderator. "I see you have come in to join us?" "No", came the reply, " I joined last year - I've just come to resign" He went out as fit as a fiddle and came home as tight as a drum. What do you get if you drink champagne out of ladies shoes? Athletes Tongue. Barman "Try my new cocktail - its called Card Table" Drinker "Why?" Barman "Have one and your legs fold up under you" You think your bar or pub is a bad place to drink - here's a few descriptions you can apply. The beer's so flat here they serve it on a plate The barmen here are all midgets - it makes the drinks look bigger! We call our bar (pub) Stradivarius - it's a vile inn! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:Why do you drink so much? A:I've donated my body to science and I'm preserving it for them. Q:My wife drives me to it A:Well your lucky - I have to walk A:I want to get into the record book of guinesses A:I drink to forget! Forget what? I can't remember! Gosh it must be working! Would you like to dine at the Captain's table tonight? I didn't come on a cruise to eat with the crew! I've traced my family right back to royalty! You mean King Kong? It takes 3 sheep to make a woolly jumper! And I didn't even know they could knit. What do you call one man who marries another? A vicar! What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA What's red, lays eggs and rampages across Europe? Attilla the Hen! What's black, bubbles out of the ground and says "Knickers"? Crude Oil! What's black, bubbles out of the ground and says "Underwear"? Refined Oil! What's an orphan rice crispy? Snap, Crackle but no Pop! What's long, yellow and sings in greek? Banana Miskouri! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He's (or she's) so vain that: He's planning to take his own hand in marriage! He joined the navy so the world could see him! His new book is entitled "Famous People Who Have Met Me"! Half an hour after he left the bathroom, the mirror is still warm! He has a mirror on the bathroom ceiling to watch himself gargle. He believes in love at first sight, since he saw himself in the mirror! "Tell me, Do you think I'm vain?" "No, why do you ask?" "Because people as good looking as I am usually are!" What vanity makes them say? "I am not vain, although I have every right to be!" "He's more interested in himself than me!" "I don't think I am particularly good looking. But then what's my opinion against thousands of others?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He had a dreadful accident while walking, he was hit by a motorboat! He's undergone a religious conversion; he no longer believes he's god! He was so vain he had to see a shrink. Now after 3 months treatment he's the nicest guy you could wish to meet The only time he doesn't look in the mirror is when he's backing into a parking place. He's the only man I know who failed his driving test for looking in the mirror too often. He's a self made man, who gives everyone else the recipe! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A scientist was giving evidence at a trial. Asked to introduce himself he said "I am the greatest Scientist of my generation!" "Surely, Sir you could give a more modest introduction?", asked the lawyer. "Sir, but I am under Oath!" Yo Mama is so Fat .... The creases round her waist have names! When she walks in high heels she strikes oil! When she stretches its like a total eclipse of the sun! When she steps on a scale it says "to be continued". When she goes to the beach, she's the only one who get's a tan. That when she sat on a rainbow she made skittles When she slapped her leg you jumped on to ride the waves! When she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!! Your mama's legs are like a 7-Eleven, they're open 24-Hours. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Farmer to young boy. "And what do you think you are doing fishing in my pond?" "I'm not fishing, Mister, I am just teaching my worm to swim!" Have you heard about the Cannibal who toasted his mother-in-law at his wedding? What do hypochondriacs grow in the Garden New Roses (neuroses) Why are you putting starch in your scotch?? Because I like a stiff drink!! What sort of fish can play a musical instrument? A Piano Tuna What do you call a Bear who has lost an ear? "B" Well my girl friend told me I was handsome! That's because you fed her guide dog! Why can't the bicycle stand up? Because its two tired We left out the joke about quicksand! It takes too long to sink in Man to store keeper: I'd like some nails Store keeper to man: How long do you want them Man to store keeper: Oh I'd like to keep them -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man on a bicycle is rushing to catch the ferry. As he comes over the brow of the hill he sees the ferry is 20 yds from the dock. He decides to go for it and puts on a burst of speed down the hill. At the bottom he launches himself and the bike off a plank of wood. He flies through the air and lands right on the edge of the boat deck. "My goodness" he says to the deck hand "I only just made it" "I shouldn't have bothered" says the deck hand "this ferry is coming in" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Tooth Fairy, a low priced Dentist and Davy Crockett were walking along a road together when they saw a $100 bill. Who picked it up? Davy Crockett! The other two are figments of your imagination!!! Have you heard about the new law they've just passed. Bankers have to be buried 10 feet down! Why's that? Because deep down they are nice people! Jack and his companions were in a hot air balloon which ran into low cloud and they got completely lost. Eventually a small break in the cloud revealed a man walking below. They dropped the balloon height to shouting distance and yelled "Where are we?" "Up in a Balloon, 30 feet above the ground", came the quick reply. "That man is an Accountant" declared Jack! "How do you know that?" asked his bemused companions. "Because the information he has given is perfectly correct but completely useless!"! A man was in a deep Coma in hospital and the Doctor's despaired of bringing him round. Suddenly a nurse said "I know this man and can bring him round quickly". With that she leaned down and whispered in his ear! He immediately opened his eyes, sat up and asked for his secretary. "That's fantastic", said the consultant, "what on earth did you say?" "Oh its easy", the nurse replied, "He's a lawyer. All I had to do was whisper 'You can't bill clients while you're unconscious'!" What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Catfish. One's a dirty scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish. A new client had just come in to see a famous Lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge please?", said the client. "Of course", the Lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep isn't it? "Yes it is", said the Lawyer, "And what's your third question?" Here's another variant based on a visitor submission from NR of Chicago An Engineer is giving his acceptance speech after winning the "Model Engineer of the Year" award. As he talks his pride gets the better of him and his head swells and the boasts get larger and more exaggerated. His wife, sitting next to him, realizes that he will now be even more insufferable for weeks. As he sits down, she leans over and whispers to him. "Very nice, dear, but we should remember what a model is; a small replica of the real thing! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Travel Agent died and went to heaven. When his turn came to stand in front of St. Peter the scales stayed horizontal balancing good and evil perfectly. "That's very unusual", said St. Peter, "Now I am not sure whether to send you to heaven or hell?" "Well what are they like?", asked the Travel Agent, and St. Peter handed him a book. The pages describing heaven showed lots of people sitting around in white clothes singing hymns and praying. In contrast the pages on hell showed scantilly dressed people sitting round lovely sandy beaches, swimming pools and cool clean seas. "Well if I have the choice I'll go to hell then.", said the Travel Agent. So St. Peter pulled the lever and the agent dropped through into a sea of boiling stinking stuff with fires everywhere. As the doors above closed the Travel Agent yelled at St. Peter "This isn't what you told me" "Ah", said St. Peter, "but that was the brochure!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Waiter had badly injured his leg and was lying on a trolley in casualty waiting for assistance. Suddenly he saw a Doctor walk past. "Doctor, please help me" said the waiter, "I've been here for over 3 hours!" "I'm sorry", said the Doctor, "but it's not my table!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Gosh", said the woman to the man sitting opposite her. "You look just like my fifth husband." "Really" said the man, "And how many husbands have you had?" "Four!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The woman was admiring her friends brand new designer coat. "How did you get your husband to buy that for you", she enquired. "It was easy, I caught him kissing the maid." "Did you fire the maid?" "Oh no! I still need a new hat" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A missionary was captured in darkest Africa by cannibals and put into a pot to cook. As the natives began to prepare the fire underneath the pot and the missionary prayed, the chief came up and started to talk to him in perfect English! "How did you learn to speak such excellent English?", asked the astonished missionary. "I went to Cambridge!", the chief replied "You went to Cambridge and you still eat people!", said the missionary indignantly. "Ah yes", came the reply, "but now I use a Knife and Fork!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A business man was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. When the business man asked him, "How much is two and two?", the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father was driving home late one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall, and pulling his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a salesman. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The salesman looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only salesmen can muster and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" As the would be shopper looked disconcerted the assistant continues, "We have: Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95 Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95 Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95 Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95 Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!", says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture....." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man went into a bar. The barman said, "What can I get you?" He replied, "I am afraid I am broke, is there any chance that you could let me have a drink and I will pay you back next week?" The barman said, "Sorry, but the bar policy is you pay or you get no drink." The man said, "Is there no way that I can get a drink?" The barman said, "Well I could buy you one - that wouldn't be contrary to Bar Policy, but you would have to do something pretty good to get me to buy you a drink." The man said, "How's about this?" and reaching into his pocket he brought out a possum dressed in Top Hat and Tails, wearing patent leather shoes and carrying an umbrella. He placed the Possum on the bar and clicked his fingers and the Possum started to hum 'Singing in the Rain' and tap danced down the counter jumping up and down in the beer puddles and all the time twirling the umbrella. The barman said, "Oh boy, that IS something. Here have a drink on me!" The man drank it down and said, Can I have another one please?" and the barman said, "If you can top that last act, but I doubt that you can." The man said, "How's about this then?" and reaching into his other pocket brought out a frog also in Top Hat and Tails and placed it down beside the Possum. The frog croaked and then began to sing an aria from Puccini with a voice that filled the bar and was a perfect imitation of Pavarotti - everyone in the bar crowded around to listen. The barman said, "Wow two class acts - here have another beer!" One of the audience said, "How much do you want for the frog?" and the man said, "$300!" The chap said, "Done!" shoved $300 in his hand and ran out of the bar with the frog. The barman said, "You idiot! You should have charged him more than that - that frog is worth a fortune!" The man said, "I can always get another frog - it's the possum that's the ventriloquist!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lion strolling through the forest came across a Monkey. He gave a great roar which startled the Monkey out of its wits and growled. "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Monkey said, "You are of course!" The Lion growled. "And don't you forget it!" The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Gazelle. He gave a great roar which startled the Gazelle out of its wits and growled. "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Gazelle said, "You are of course!" The Lion growled. "And don't you forget it!" The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Zebra. He gave a great roar which startled the Zebra out of its wits and growled. "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Zebra said, "You are of course!" The Lion growled. "And don't you forget it!" The Lion walked on through the forest until he came across a Giraffe. He gave a great roar which startled the Giraffe out of its wits and growled. "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Giraffe said, "You are of course!" The Lion growled. "And don't you forget it!" The Lion walked a bit further and came across an Elephant grazing on the branches of a low tree. He gave a great roar and growled. "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Elephant just carried on eating and ignored him. The Lion walked right up under the nose of the Elephant and with a great "AAAARRRRHHHH" of a roar said, "Who is the Lord of the Jungle?" The Elephant stopped eating and picking up the Lion in his trunk smashed him several times on the floor and then threw him against the tree. The Lion slid to the floor and slowly pulled himself up to his full height and fluffed out his mane. "AAAAAHHHHHAAAAARRRRR" he growled. "Who is the Lord of the jungle?" The Elephant picked him up again in his trunk and swinging the lion around its head smashed him against the tree trunk about five times and then placing him on the floor jumped on him and trampled and trampled him till he was just a soggy mess and then started to slowly feed again. The Lion lay there for five minutes and then slowly pulling himself along the ground managed to regain his feet. He looked at the Elephant and said, "Look if you don't know the answer just say so - there is no need to get nasty about it!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just because he prefers blondes, doesn't make him a gentleman! Many a blonde dyes by her own hand! She had her hair tinted red, now it clashes with her face! She wants her hair dyed back to its original color, the problem is remembering what it is? His hair's straight - it's just his head that's wavy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now for the "Barber" jokes Customer: What do you have for grey hair? Barber: The greatest respect sir! Customer: How do I get a hair cut? Barber: Try flossing with dred locks! Customer: Now I've started to loose my hair the haircuts ought to be cheaper. Barber: On the contary, sir! It takes me longer to find them! Customer: I'd like to grow my hair! Barber: And how would you stop it? Customer: How do I avoid falling hair? Barber: I should jump out of the way! Customer: What do you think of my new toupee? Barber: I couldn't tell it from a wig, sir! Barber: How would you like your hair cut sir? Customer: Off? Barber: Your hair's getting thinner! Customer: Well who wants fat hair? Barber: (holding up mirror) How do you like your hair cut sir? Customer: Could you make it a bit longer at the back? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "And who was that blonde I saw you with on Thursday?" "That was the brunette you saw me with on Tuesday!" He's very sensitive about his hair. I don't know why, he hasn't got any! An Accountant Someone who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe him (or her) A Bank A place that will lend you money only when you can prove you don't need it! A Banker A Pawnbroker with a manicure! A Bachelor Someone who is footloose and fiancee free! A Bigamist Someone who makes a second mistake before correcting the first! A Credit Card What you use when you discover money can't buy everything! A Hypochondriac Someone with an infinite capacity for faking pains A Lawyer Someone who stops someone else getting your money! A Money Bag A politician's briefcase! An Ordinary Salesman Someone who sells something you have to someone who wants it. A Super Salesman Someone who sells something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. An Acquaintance Someone you know well enough to borrow from but not to lend to! A Out-of-Work Priest Someone who's holy unemployed! A Consultant Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame! A Consultant Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A Conservative Someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. A Bore Someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells you! A Theatre Critic Someone who stones the first cast! Gum Arabic A language spoken by Arabs without teeth! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This chap and his wife loved Budgerigars and they went to a pet shop and bought one. They bought a cage and some seed and took it home. They filled the seed bowl and the baby budgie hopped onto the rim and in one suck swallowed the lot. It then swelled to twice its size. They refilled the bowl and it swallowed that in one enormous suck. It then swelled to twice its size. Every time they filled the bowl the bird just hopped onto the rim and with one suck emptied it and then immediately grew to twice its size. Well the couple thought that this was a laugh, until the second day when they placed a large bowl in the cage and filled it with a whole box of seed, and the Budgie just sucked the lot up in one enormous swallow and then grew to twice its size and showed that it could also talk. It bellowed in a stentorian voice.... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" and kept it up making all the windows shake and the crockery rattle. It kept it up till the bowl was filled and just as fast emptied the bowl and then started on the shout for .... "More Seed! More Seed" More Seed!" After a day and a night the couple realized that it was an all day and all night job, and very expensive, because the bird was gobbling seed faster than they were earning the money to buy it. They went back to the Pet Shop and told the Shopkeeper what had happened. He immediately said, "No, No, You cannot return it!" The man said, "We don't want to return it, cause we love the thing, but what can we do - it is so big that it is out of its cage and fills the sitting room and just keeps demanding... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" The shopkeeper said, "This is an abnormal bird known in Budgie Circles as a Rarey Bird because they are mutants and they just eat and eat and get bigger and bigger and live for years and years. You have got a problem because you cannot kill them. Bullets just go into them and they digest the lead and just get bigger. Poison the same. They are too big to strangle or to stab or beat to death, and so you just have to live with it!" The man said, "But we just cannot go on like this we are exhausted feeding it and working to feed it!" The Shopkeeper said, "Yeah I know - that is why we NEVER ever take Rarey Birds back - they are a real problem. The only way to kill them is to drop them from a great height. Like from an aeroplane, cause they are too big to fly and the smash into the ground kills them instantly as they are so heavy! The trouble is that by the time you find out what they are it is too late, they are too heavy to get up in a plane. You will just have to buy all of my seed and put up with it!" The couple put up with it for another week and by this time they had got even fonder than ever of the Budgie. They even called it Rarey and it answered to its name by shouting.... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!" They sold the car, they sold the washing machine, they sold the fridge, they sold the furniture, they sold the garden shed, they sold the lawnmower - they became so poor that eventually they couldn't even afford another packet of seed. The man said, "We are going to have to kill RAREY! We still have the wheelbarrow and two planks and we will have to struggle up to the top of the mountain and tip it over the precipice and let it smash down to the ground. Well the wife cried and so did the man, but it was inevitable and so they laid the two planks on the wheelbarrow and using long poles as fulcrums finally got the Rarey Bird onto the planks where it immediately started to shout, "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!" I will brush over the terrible journey they had to get the RAREY BIRD to the top of the mountain, suffice it to say that they had to hitch pulleys to trees and pull it up to each tree and then start all over again - and all of the time there was this stentorian bellowing from the bird... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!" Well affection for pets has to stop somewhere and I am sorry to recount that by the time they finally struggled to the top of the mountain they were actually looking forward to shutting the poor things beak forever. They just had one final hurdle to overcome. How could they tip the wheelbarrow, two planks and the RAREY BIRD high enough so that the bird went over the precipice? They finally solved this by using the same ploy that the Ancient Britains used to build Stonehenge.... They jacked up the rear of the wheelbarrow and placed stones and earth under the legs. They repeated this until the wheelbarrow, planks and the RAREY BIRD were tilted at an angle so acute that the slightest push would tip it all over the precipice. The couple walked around the wheelbarrow to the edge of the precipice and stood looking down. The man said, "Wow, some drop - that must be at least 2000 feet from the edge to the ground below.! They stood there in silence for a moment and then became aware that the RAREY BIRD was no longer shouting, "More Seed for RAREY!", but was singing. They had never heard it sing before and stood quietly listening. The Bird was singing.... "Oh, it's a long way to Tip a Rarey; it's a long way to go!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man was famous the world over for the Tulips that he grew. People used to come from all over just to admire them and to try and get the secret of how he grew them from him. He was very cagey and would say, "I just put the bulbs in and they come up like that all perfect." Of course no one believed him, but no matter what ploy was used. no one could discover just what it was that turned ordinary bulbs into the most beautiful Tulip Blooms that anyone had ever grown. Whole fields of them identical and all perfect. Well he had this friend (we all know friends like this one)! He decided that he would get the secret and make some money on the side. He got the Tulip Grower drunk on Home Made Wine and gradually turned the conversation around to Tulip Growing. You will know how trusting you are when you are drunk and the Tulip Grower was no exception! He gradually relaxed and to the direct question, "How do you do it?" He replied... "I use Hamsters!" The Cunning Friend said, "Don't be daft, how can Hamsters make Ordinary Tulip Bulbs produce blooms like you can?" The Tulip Grower said, On my other property I breed Hamsters - not just a few, but thousands. When they are adults I run over em with a steam roller and crush em into pulp. I then bulldoze the pulp into a machine which cans them into 7lb jam tins which I store in a big warehouse. At the start of the growing season I go out at night with lorry loads of the tins and open them and spread them all over the fields, I then get a tractor and plough and I plough it all into the ground and then the next day I plant the Tulip Bulbs and you have seen for yourself the results." His friend said, "Well I suppose it works, but I don't see how!" The Tulip Grower said, "Obvious, isn't it? I copied the Dutch, they are Tulips from Hamster Jam!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deep in the darkest jungles of old time Africa there were two tribes and they hated each other. One tribe lived at the foot of a massive mountain and they panned for gold in the river and mined for gold in the mountain. They were RICH! The other tribe lived in a swamp area and lived on crocodiles and fish and they were POOR! They never visited each other except to raid each others grass huts and plunder them. Of course there were pretty poor pickings when the RICH tribe raided the POOR tribe, but it had become a time unhonored tradition and each tribe kept the tradition alive. One day the chief of the RICH tribe had a visit from his resident snitch who said, "Hey Chief! The POOR people have heard about your solid gold throne and they are planning to come over tomorrow and steal it from you!" The RICH Chief was beside himself, he loved that gold throne and so he called in his resident Wise Man and asked him what he should do. The Resident Wise Man said, "Chief you have got to make the Gold Throne disappear! I suggest that you get your men to stick long wood poles into the roof of your Grass palace and using pulleys and your strongest men stick the throne up in the roof of your Grass Palace. The POOR people will never think to look up there!" The Chief immediately ordered this to be done. The very next day the POOR tribe attacked and swept through the village searching everywhere. They found NOTHING! The RICH tribe were hiding in the mines in the mountains and when the POOR tribe left the RICH tribe came out and went back down to their village and began a great celebration. The Chief stood in the centre of his Grass Palace and looking up at the roof started to crow..... "Those POOR shmucks ain't got no idea! Right over their heads and they missed it!" Suddenly there were several tremendous large bangs and the wooden poles supporting the Gold Throne snapped and down came two ton of Gold Throne on top of the RICH Tribes Chief and killed him stone dead. The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear." Capital Radio, London Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" Expert: "Yes." TV Channel 4 News As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." John Sleightholme, BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather." John Eley: "Where do you get that from?" Shoemaker: "France!" BBC Radio Suffolk You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order." Dave Bassett, BBC Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?" Contestant: "Eva." Shane Ritchie: "Short for?" Contestant: "Eva." ITV (Shane Ritchie is UK games show host) If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." Jimmy Hill (soccer commentator), BBC TV Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher. And what sort of children do you teach?" Contestant: "Schoolchildren." BBC 2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads." BBC Radio 1 Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goal posts." Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave good-bye to my arms quite happily." Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner." British Labour Party Spokesperson, BBC1 Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!" Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." BBC "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." Metro Radio "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." David Coleman, BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day." Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" Talk Radio Interview. "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?" 15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." BBC Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." ITV's Today Program (on the Paralympics) Presenter [to palaeontologist]: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?" Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth. Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?" Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." Greater London Radio Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?" Girl: "No. It was a cock-up." Kilroy-Silk a morning chat show host, ITV -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello?..Oh, hold on..no, Mel..the elephant has to stay outside..I'm sorry but he won't fit through the door. Okay..who is this? No Sally...the tiger can't play with the monkey...and get that gorilla back in it's cage. Look..I'm sorry..it's a real zoo around here. You'll have to leave a message. I'll call you back. "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message." (Narrator's voice:) "There Mel sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Mel in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The tone hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." "Hi........................................................................... ... Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the bleep." My husband and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we've finished." "Hello. I am Mel's answering machine. What are you?" (From Japanese friend in Iceland) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!" "Hi! Mel's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone." "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." "Hi, this is Mel . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message." "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us." "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of recording messages. My owners do not need double glazing, or a whirlpool tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their photograph taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." Hi! You have reached the Mel's residence. he's not home right now............wait a minute I think I see him coming........ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From DCW - kinda cute! "Whitmire residence, thank you for calling. No one can come to the phone, so we're stalling. If you're trying to sell what we have no need for, Or want us to give all our funds to the poor. If you're offering a service where everything's free, Or paying to switch us to AT&T, WE REALLY ARE BUSY. We really don't care to hear your whole spiel Or to purchase your wares. If we aren't the people you thought you were calling HANG UP! That's what you get for misdialling. If you're someone we know and we've not answered yet, Leaving a message would be your best bet!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a delayed hallucination I'll see you in a minute, then! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a unkempt Nun My my, that's a dirty habit! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a chair thief Please take a seat, then! Doctor, Doctor I feel like an electric fan Well blow me! Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits! What, you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh, You're Crackers! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A patient had been complaining about hearing a ringing sound for years. One day he came to his doctor and said, "Doctor, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that I don't hear the ringing sound any more!" "And what's the bad news?", asked the doctor. "Now I hear the busy signal! Adapted from a submitted joke by AA! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch! Did you hear about the man who went to his Doctor and said "Doctor I think I am a jelly baby"? The doctor bit his head off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. Adapted from a submitted joke from BD! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And one from PR in Canada (email address withheld). Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And from Zappa! Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger! Doctor, Doctor I'm in a dreadful hurry! Be patient! Doctor, Doctor Everyone keeps ignoring me? Next please? Doctor, Doctor This week I think I'm a wigman and last week I was a tee-pee? Your too tense? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into the doctors office. He has a huge frog on his head! The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The frog says, "I have this huge wart on my butt, that I can't get rid of!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three blondes were walking down the beach when they came upon an old geenie lamp. When they rubbed it a geenie came out and granted them each a wish. The first blonde wished that she could be a little bit smarter than she was. The geenie waved his hands and she became a brunette. The second blonde wished that she could be a lot smarter than she was. The geenie waved his hands and she became a red head. The third blonde hesitated and stated that she would like to outdo them all and be smarter yet. The geenie turned her into a man. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving to Disneyland when she sees a sign: "Disneyland left". So she turned round and went home! Why do blondes wear hoop ear rings? To have a place to hang their feet! What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes! What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Artiicial Intelligence. How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool! What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant! There were three blondes that decided to go deer hunting. They came across some tracks . One blonde said "I'll get a better look at them more closely." and as she crouched down the train ran her over!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde and a brunette are watching the 11pm news. The top story is about aman on a cliff about to commit suicide. A commercial comes and the brunette bets the blonde 20 dollars that the guy jumps. Sure enough, when the news comes back the man jumps. The Blonde gets out a twenty and tries to give it to the brunette who returns it claiming she didn't win it fairly. The Blonde insist it was fair and gives her the money again. The brunette says,"No, no! I watched the 6 clock news, I knew he was going to jump." Then the blonde says, "But I watched the earlier news too. I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a blonde say after six years of University? Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please? Why did the blonde couple die at the drive-in? They went to see "Closed for Winter". Two blondes were walking along by the river; one was on the east side and the other on the west. The one on the east yells to the one on the west "How do you get to the other side?" and the other replies "You are on the other side!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three Blondes are walking, and they see tracks Blonde one says: "Hey, I think they're deer tracks!" Blonde two says: "No, no they're bear tracks!" Blonde three replies: "No, both of you are wrong, they're rabbit tracks." They were still discussing it when the train hit them! Why did a blonde keep an empty milkbottle in her fridge? For those people that prefers black coffee. What did a blonde say when she woke up under a cow? Hey, Good morning guys. Why did the blond bury her car engine? The battery was dead. What is the definition of a skeleton? A strip show that went to far. How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round hut and ask her to find the corner. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. If Tarzan and Jane were blonde what would Cheetah be? The most intelligent of the three! Why do blondes run out side when it's thundering and lightening? They think they're getting their picture taken. What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of cheerios? "Oh look!! doughnut seeds!!" Why can't a blonde make kool-aid? Because she can't fit 2 quarts of water into the little packet! A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were driving along a country road when they saw a farm. They decided to get out and have a nose around. All of the sudden they see the farmer come out. "Get off my land!", he yells at the top of his voice obviously very angry The girls scatter and hide. The red head runs in to a pen full of sheep. The farmer yells, " Hey, I saw you go in there, come out here!" But the red head goes: "BAAAHHH" and after a while the farmer thought he might be mistaken and left. The brunette ran into a field full of cows and the farmer ran after her and yells, " Hey I saw you go in there, come out here!" But the brunette goes "MMMOOOO!" and after a while the farmer thought he might be mistaken and left. The blonde ran into the potato bin and the farmer chases her and yells " Hey I saw you go in there! Come out!". And the blonde goes "POTATO!" ANT DAFFYNITIONS antecedent: ant's pedigree antiquarian: ant born between Jan 21-Feb 23 antonym: homosexual ant antacid: ant on high (also see antics) antimony: money paid by estranged male ant. antithesis: a Ph.D in antology anterior: ant found in graveyards antics: ant on high banter: ants gossiping canter: ants running chant: ants at prayer croissant: angry ant esperanto: ant language fanta: a jamboree of ants (or) an ant's favorite drink (or) an ant in need of ventilation (or) ant fan club gallant: ant with chutzpah (aka cheek) (or) a French ant gantry: ants in the construction business inadvertant: ant featuring in commercial incessant: tax paying ant (or) ant indulging in unnatural sex acts jaunt: ants on a picnic nascent: friendly ant (or) ant at inception petulant: ant flowering prudent: virginal ant poignant: an ant in the family way pant: a tired ant saunter: ants ambling ravissant: an ant in designer clothes tyrant: a fat ant want: an ant in need -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Ant (in tune please - from srj) How do you hide an elephant in a box of M&Ms (Smarties)? Paint his toenails all different colors! How do you hide an elephant in a Blueberry Bush? Paint his toenails blue! What's black, dangerous and sits in a tree? A crow with a machine gun! How many elephants can you get in a Volkswagen? Two in the front and two in the back, silly! Why are elephants knee's wrinkled? From playing marbles! How did the crow joke get in their? - ed! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NB mini = compact car! How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front and 2 in the back. What's harder than getting 4 elephants in a mini? Getting 4 pregnant elephants in a mini. What's harder than getting 4 pregnant elephants in a mini? Getting 4 elephants pregnant in a mini! What is gray inside and clear outside? An elephant in a baggie! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From HA in Virginia. Why do elephants have pink bellies? From flying low over rose bushes! Why do ducks have flat feet? From stamping out forest fires! Why do elephants have flat feet? From stamping out flaming ducks! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Here come the elephants! What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill? "Here come the elephants! What did Tarzan and Jane say when they saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on? Nothing, they didn't recognize them. An anonymous visitor submission! And in a similar vein from Steven? Question: What did Tarzan say when he say a team of running elephants running at him? Answer: Look out here comes a team of running elephants, and their coming this way! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And two more from DC in New Zealand: Why do Elephants have Big Ears? Because Noddy didn't pay the ransom!! Why do elephants have wrinkly knees? So they can bend down and tie their shoelaces. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Cathy in London England Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So they can float upside down in custard How do you get four giraffes into a mini? You can't its full up with elephants How do you know when an elephants been in your fridge? By the footprints on the butter How do you know when there's an elephant in your bed By the E embroidered on its pyjamas What do you do when a herd of elephants is running toward you? Make a Trunk Call and reverse the charges -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it dangerous to walk through the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon? That's when elephants are jumping out of trees. Why are Pygmies so small ? They tried to walk through the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon. Why do elephants have flat feet? Because they jump out of trees. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From CBC! What happens when a elephant sits on you? You get De-Pressed! What happens when he sits on you again? You get Re-pressed -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? So it can hide in cherry trees. How come you never see an elephant in a cherry tree? Because it works!!! How did the elephant get up in to the cherry tree? Parachuted of course! From CG -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question : What is gray, has four legs and a trunk? Answer: An elephant. Question : What ISN'T gray, and has no legs and no trunk? Answer: No elephants. Question : Where do you find an elephant with no legs? Answer: Right where you left it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question : Why do elephants wear dark glasses? Answer: For camouflage. Question : Have you ever seen an elephant with dark glasses? Answer: No? Just shows how good it works. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you're eaten by an Elephant? Run around till you're pooped! What do you do if an elephant breaks his toe? Call a toe truck! What do you call the brown stuff between an elephants toes? Natives -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From Catherine in Australia! How do you know if there's an elephant in the fridge? There are footprints in the butter. How do you know if there are two elephants in the fridge? There are two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if there are three elephants in the fridge? There are three sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if there are four elephants in the fridge? There is a mini parked outside. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence. Recipe For Elephant Stew Ingredients 1 elephant medium size 2 rabbits (optional) brown gravy salt & pepper to taste Instructions Cut elephant into bite sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene for about 4 weeks at 450 degrees. This will serve about 3000 people. If more are expected, add two rabbits, but only if necessary, as most people don't like hare in their stew. FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LAWFIRMISM: You have two cows. You force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised . Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted. ~The Oregonian~ What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. ~Robert Wise~ Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afaid not" ~The Oregonian~ Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. ~Josh Tallman~ A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup" ~Pulp Fiction~ A frog is looking for a loan, so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knake Patty Wha c give the frog a loan". ~Wakk0 Warner~ 3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday". ~Eric K.~ A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" ~Alecia Wolf~ How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut... ~Phil Napier~ Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts! ~Bob Kelly~ A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"! The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all t he information will be there. The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a ba shfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex". ~Bob Kelly~ why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.~drtbike~ What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.~XYTrapp~ Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.~XYTrapp~ What do you call a person with lepersy in a bath tub? Stew.~John Stoffer~ (Sorry Barbra I herd it from him first :) Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?"~Lardass~ Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?~Neil Heiman~ What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!~d.j.w.~ A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediate ly says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe t hat you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"~Paul G.~ Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.~Howard Burgess~ A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."~Howard Burgess~ "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."~Howard Burgess~ What's brown and sticky? A stick.~Howard Burgess~ A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"~Stuart Davidson~ How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.~Jim Molinari and Sammy~ How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.~Corey Jones~ What did the cannibal do when he saw an 'All you can eat restaurant'? He had two waiters and a busboy.~Corey Jones~ Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.~Corey Jones~ What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of Room~Corey Jones~ Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked.~Shaun Haapala, Daniel L. Miller, and John Stoffer~ What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....~Ernest D. Aguayo~ Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.~Taryn Anderson~ Whatdaya call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef. Whatdaya call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway... ~John Braden~ A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.~Ken Attebery and Marc Kletke~ What's big and brown and walks through walls? Spooky Dooky.~Jay Everett~ Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!~Jim Luettgen~ Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"~Robert David Cox~ One day this guys house was on fire so he decided he better call the fire department. He got on the phone with the chief and the man was very frantic. The man said chief you have to get over her my house is on fire. The chief says calm down, how do we get to your house, and the man said you don't have those big red trucks anymore!~Anthony Makoski~ Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?~Tony~ What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic.~unkown~ What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs.~unkown~ There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.~T. Blase~ Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.~Jen V.~ What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.~Jen V.~ What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.~Kathy Nicol~ Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.~Matt and Roxy~ What is the famous last words in surgery? Ouch!!~Matt and Roxy~ There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."~Matt and Roxy~ A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when a rabbit ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was sitting on the fence watching. The salesman gets out of his car and opens the trunk. He then removes an aerosol can and sprays the contents on the dead rabbit. The next thing you know the rabbit gets up and hops about 20 ft. down the road, turns and waves to the salesman, goes another 20 ft. and waves to the salesman. The salesman looks at the farmer and says "he'll be ok ay now." The salesman gets into his car and leaves. The farmer wondering what's going on walks over to the ditch where the salesman threw the can, picks it up and read the label which said FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE.~Chuckles~ What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.~Jim Spurrier~ A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.~Dave Large~ What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.~Cohen and Tate~ Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"~John A. Judgate~ Whats the smartest thing a man can say? "my wife says"~Guest 7~ A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."~Mr. Ed~ How do you turn a cat into a dog? You tie up the cat, pour gasoline on it, light a match and watch him go WOOF!!!! How do you turn a dog into a cat? You tie up the dog, getan electric saw to cut him, and watch him go MEOWWWWW!!!!!! ~John Christoper Rey~ How do you get Dragon milk? From a cow with short legs.~Allen Smith~ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.~Ed Kim~ What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet~Timothy J. Tate~ Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.~Sandra Johnson~ Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.~Jon Smith~ What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.~Jon Smith~ What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.~Steve Hagstrom~ An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"~Wendy~ What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated.~The Oregonian~ How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose the trailer.~The Oregonian~ Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland"~The Oregonian~ Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!~Emily Christain~ What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.~Yatin~ Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink" ~Sandberg~ What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!~Preston & Tony~ A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven ." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."~Father Joseph Sica! famous last words of a mafia hit man... "who put the violin in the violin case !"~Dhiraj~ Did you hear about the Barbie doll; it's called Divorce Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff.~The Riddler~ What do you do if you see a person having an epilepsy attack in a bathtub? Throw your laundry in quick!~unknown~ How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.~Got this one from a ton of people~ What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.~Craig White~ How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.~Craig White~ How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid.~FSUFAN~ What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.~FSUFAN~ How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?~FitzEbaby~ What do you call a man with a pint of beer on his head? Beartrix~Lousie-Kate~ What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt~Lousie-Kate~ Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?~RugRat~ What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!~Anita~ Didya hear about the procter and Gamble worker who fell in the vat of lotion? He softened to death~krlc~ Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a chinese guy run over by a truck? The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.~Darcy~ Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel!~Katherine~ Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!~Candy Leeb~ Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!~Alice~ Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!~Alice~ How do you greet a 2-headed monster? Hello, Hello~Spencer~ What do you do when you are inside an elephant? Run around and run around til you're all pooped out.~unknown~ I once had a diamond but I took it for granite.~David~ what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob~David~ what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art~david What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"~Mark~ What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated~The Oregonian~ How is a divorce in West Virginia like a hurricane in Florida? Either way, you lose a trailer~The Oregonian~ Have you heard of about Ron Howard's new movie, a travel documentary about northern Europe? It's called "Mr. Opie's Holland."~The Oregonian~ How do you make pizza? Stick a leper next to a fan.~Giles~ What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.~Giles~ Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.~Bob M.~ What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.~Jafo~ This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker Arty s tart talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers headline read, " Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods".~Jafo~ A young man comes into the doctors and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies, "Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my parents are. For example, one day my mother wanted some Ice Cream, so she went out to get so me. But my father stopped her, telling her that he would get some. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'no', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says. He leaves, come s back half an hour later, gives his wife a bag. "What!" she scrams. "This is a cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"~Shane Conway~ What did the grapes say when the monks stepped on them? Nothing - they just let out a little whine.~Wonko the Sane~ Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Every time his wife is in heat he hits her over the head with his shovel.~Joe Burke~ What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.~Jonathon Waunch~ Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over nate and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever...~Sean Ruppert~ When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.~Mirjana Calnan~ Why Did The skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!~unknown~ Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!~Henry Dermot~ This man has this dog that has no legs. One day someone asked him "Whats wrong with your dog?" And the man said... "What are you blind or something? He has no legs." Oh well what is it's name? Well I call it cigarette. Why in the world do you call it cigarette? Well because sometimes I like to take it out for a drag~Nathan Chambers~ How did Hitler tie his shoes? In littel nazi's~William Noah~ What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.~Chuck Chatlynne~ A man left his beef ranch to his three sons and they named it "Focus" because that's there the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).~Chuck Chatlynne~ Two blondes were walking in the woods. One said, "Oh look! deer tracks! The other one argued, "No silly! Those are wolf tracks!" They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.~Brittany Sale~ What did the clown say when he cracked an egg on his head? Yuk, yuk, the yolk's on me.~Connie Settle~ What does a one leggeged ballerina wear. A one one~Kevin C. McCabe What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.~unknown~ What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.~Eric Prestel~ How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot.~Eric Prestel & Will & Carlos~ What's the biggest advanage of being a cannibal abortionst? You do not have to go out for lunch.~Eric & gang~ A snail is returning home late at night and has to cut though a dark ally. As he is passing though, he is mugged by two slugs. Later on at the police station, the officer asks him,"Can you give me a desciption of the assailents?" The snail ponders thi s for a moment, and then replies," Gee, I'm not sure... it all happpened so fast."~Tony Jenkin~ What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod)~unknown~ What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality~Billy Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!~Dermot Henry~ What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long? A bananna peel.~Multiple Personality Girl~ A hillbilly walks into a feed store and stares at the fan. "Wowee," he says, "thet's the fastest dern squirrel I've ever seen!"~Multiple Personality Girl Where do zombies go for relaxation? A dead ranch.~Multiple Personality Girl~ What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg.~Multiple Personality Girl~ A man is sitting on a park bench, making the STRANGEST noises."Are you all right?" asks a concerned stranger. The man nods and keeps making the noises. The stranger then asked "Then why are you screaming like that?" The man replies "It keeps the eleph ants away." The stranger mentioned that there weren't any elephants for miles. The man smiled "See, it works!"~Multiple Personality Girl~ Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.~Multiple Personality Girl~ If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder.~Meredith and John~ What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.~Meredith and John~ What did the cannibal say when he first saw a skating rink? What do you know... People on the rocks!~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~ A chicken and a pig were knocking back a few beers at the tavern one night when the chicken said, "Hey, let's go into business together. We could open a ham-and-egg restaurant." "Not so fast," the pig replied. "For you it's just a day''s work. For me, it's a life-and-death proposition.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~ Did you here about the nearsighted whale that followed the submarine? Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.~Eric Prestel & Law Keeper~ A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in a corn field sitting in a row boat just rowing away. She gets very upset and gets out of the car to tell her off . Its blondes like you that give all us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and Kick Your ass!~Toonz~ Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still g ot twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."~Jordan Jacobsen~ A salesman comes up to a farmer in his barnyard. Next to the farmer is a pig with three legs. As the pig hobbles around, the salesman says to the farmer, "That's terrible! Why don't you put that pig out of his misery?" The farmer drew a deep breat h and said, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night, my house caught fire and that pig ran through the house, woke everybody up and got us out safely." "That's no reason to let him suffer!", said the salesman. "That's true", said the farmer. "But t here's more. One day, my tractor flipped over. That pig ran back to the house and got help for me. He saved my life." "I'm sure he's very talented", said the salesman, "But look at him. He can hardly walk. Why don't you just take him to a vet and ha ve him put to sleep?" The farmer looked at the salesman and shook his head. "Listen buddy, if you had a pig that was that good, would you eat him all at once?"~Ruffy~ Why did the leppers have to quit playing hockey? Because there was a face off in the corner.~Paul Tetzloff~ Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent.~Andrew Margerison~ What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea.~James Turner~ What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.~James Turner~ Two biscuits walking down the street. One gets crushed by a passing car. The other one says "crumbs".~James Turner~ A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says "sorry, no pork pies" so the guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks "why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?" and the guy replies "because you didn't have any pork pies."~James Turner~ Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"~MPG~< /LI> Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland? Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!~Peter G. Harwood~ What time does a proctologist get up in the morning? At the crack of dawn.~Bill~ Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum that it COULD be done!~Lori Carson~ What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bights off your leg, then runs for help.~Jim Mckenzie~ What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.~The Rocker~ Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish! Have you ever seen an elephant in the M&M dish? See it works!~Amanda G.~ Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.~Amanda~ Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Beause he saw his phone bill.~Amanda~ In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon." The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewilder ed from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought he battle was a long one, the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship. Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the blood will not show and the crew will continue to fight." The crew was listening, and they were impressed. They had a brave captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted, "Ten enemy ships on the horizon." The ensign looked at his captain, waiting for the usual orders. The captain said to his ensign, "Ensign, get me my brown pants."~Larry Davitz~ Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequilla! (to kill her)~A Feathered Friend~ How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close? His guide dog's lead goes slack.~Murray Shields~ What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.~Murray Shields~ Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!"~Murray Shields~ What looks like Blu-Tak, feels like Blu-Tak, tastes like Blu-Tak, but isn't Blu-Tak? Smurf poo.~Murray Shields~ Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolph ins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone t o sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.~Murray Shields~ What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Somebody who lays awake wondering if there's a dog.~Hex Fiend~ What's better than finding Barney the Dinosaur in a gargage can? Finding him in TEN garbage cans!~Ziggee~ A guy goes to the shrink and says, "Doc, you gotta help me...I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Teepee!" The Doctors says, "Just calm down, calm down, you're TWO TENTS!"~Anonymous~ Why were all the ink spots crying? Thier father was in the pen.~mcr~ What did the dog say to the tree? bark.~Dodger39~ A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barrtender says to him "Hey we have drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Murrry?" ~unknown~ Why was Tigger looking in the tiolet? To find Pooh ~unknown~ One day a priest was walking down a street when he saw a young boy jumping trying to reach a doorbell. The priest asked the boy if he needed help. The boy said yes. Then the priest asked what next. The boy replied "RUN LIKE HELL." ~Sarah~ A boy came home from school one day and his mother said that the office had called her and that he had been distracting the class all day long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off all her clothes and then the mother says: "Now you must promise never to wear my clothes to school again, John ny." ~Allison~ Why did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the iron. ~Stew~ What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ". ~David Vannucci~ Did you hear about the idiot who was in a spelling bee and was asked to spell Mississippi and the idiot said "which one? The river or the state? ~Carl Buchanan~ Did you hear the one about the idiot who drained his pool and his wife asked him why he did that and the idiot responded "I want to pratice diving but I don't know how to swim" ~Carl Buchanan~ Did you hear about the idiot who got a camera for his birthday? He just got back his first roll of film, twelve shots of his right eye. ~Carl Buchanan~ What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day. ~Holly~ Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower? That means he hids well. ~Alpha Echo~ What do you do if you see a spaceman?. Park your car in it man. ~David Whalley~ Why is the sea so rough? You'd be too if you had crabs on your bottom and clams in your bed! ~The Muppet's Movie~ Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputati on because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. ~Eric Bandy~ What was the centrepiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention? A cake jumping out of a girl. ~Daniel McMahon~ I was sitting at the bar, and the brunette sitting next to me rolled her eyes at me, so I picked them up and rolled them back. I decided to leave and go back to my apartment. When i got there, I decided to take the elevator upstairs. Gee it was heav y! I finally got into my room, and closed the door. I walked into the kitchen and heard a tap on the door. What a funny place to keep a tap. I glanced toward the window, and noticed a tall blonde walking past my window. I KNOW she was tall, because I live on the 3rd floor... ~Kyrsty~ Ok, the opposite of PRO is CON, right? So what's the opposite of progress? CONgress. ~Kyrsty~ Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on!!!!! ~Ryan Z.~ What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. ~Dar~ What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin? ~Steve Girard~ What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty. ~Steve Girard~ What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture. ~Mike Webb~ I was in the country one day. As I was walking, I saw this chicken cross the road. I was curious why the chicken crossed the road, so I ran to catch up to it. When I got to the chicken I asked it, "Why did you cross the road?" It said, "Buck-ah, bu ck, buck, buck-ah!" ~Patrick Carino~ Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies. ~Karen Williams~ What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes! ~unknown~ What do they call the plastics in the White House? Tipperware. ~April Marquet~ Poo Poo Boudreaux and Poo Poo Tibideaux were coming up a inlet in their motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck was pretty piss poor today, Boudreaux asked the fisherman what his secret was. He said, "Jes go ou t to sea until the water gets fresh. Stop there and drop yer line." Excited, Boudreaux fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways out, he told Tibideaux to fill up a bucket and taste the water. Tibedeaux complied and said, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" Boudreaux went further out and told Tibideaux to taste the water again. Tibideaux said the same thing, "It's still salty Boudreaux!" This went on for hours... Finally it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of now here, when Boudreaux said to taste the water one last time. Tibideaux replied, "But Boudreaux, there's no more water in the bucket!" ~Jeff Mills~ Why does the name"Edward Woodward" have 4 'd's? 'Cos his name would be Ewar Woowar! ~Malcolm~ Three friars were banished from their monastery for strange behavior and various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral bus iness was soon thriving. One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home. Well, a coup le weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." And all the people gave up and went home. A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into thefloral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was nouse. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar' s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~Phil Repino~ A man is in a mental institution, and after 5 years he can take a test to see if he can leave. They call him in and ask him to name his body parts. He says "finger, hand, wrist, knee....", but points to his elbow when he says "knee". He fails, and five years later he comes back again. He says "finger, wrist, elbow, shoulder, bellybutton....." but points to his nose, not his bellybutton. He fails again, and he also fails the next four tries. Finally after 30 years he comes in and says "finger, han d, wrist, elbow, shoulder, eye, nose, mouth." So they let him leave, but before he goes they ask how he did it this time. The man points to his head and says "I used my kidneys." ~Adam Bishop~ What did the crypt keeper say? Let's go chopping!! ~Nanette Lai~ How to you organize a spacey party? You planet. ~Nanette Lai~ How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introducktion. ~Geoff VanHerwaarden~ What do you call a person with nothing to do?...WAKKO (I personnally like this one... of corse if it was true it wouldn't take me 6 months to update my pages :) ~Geoff VanHerwaarden~ How do you catch a rabbitt? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises. ~Stewart~ Let me know when the list is updated. Here's the joke: Why don't lepers play poker? Because they can only throw their hands in once. ~Tim Alm~ What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!! ~Sir James of Steele~ Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas! ~Sir James of Steele~ Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas! ~Sir James of Steele~ What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies! ~Sir James of Steele~ Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies! ~Sir James of Steele~ What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing. ~unknown~ There was this old lady and old man. The poor man couldn't hear very well, so he depended on his wife to interpret for him. One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your shirt!". Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your pants." The old guy asked his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife repeated, "They want your pants!" Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool sample and a urine sample". Again he asked his wife, "Huh, what did she say?..." His wife said, "They want your underwear!.." ~unknown~ Whats round and red and goes up and down? A cranberry on an elevator. ~unknown~ If a athlete get's athete's foot wha does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe. ~Kim~ Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear" ~Kim~ What do you do with two pieces of bread in the desert? Make a sandwhich! ~Sean Ohlenkamp~ Did you hear that the Governors mansion in West Virginia burnt down. All the way down to the axel! ~Gail~ Why did the boat go to the doc? he was sick. ~unknown~ Once upon a time, there was a small village called Trid nestled in chain of huge mountains. The peasents who lived in this town were very poor (as peasents usualy are) because every year the king sent his tax collector out to take almost all of the f ood that the peasents grew. One year, when the tax collector went to retreive his annual tax, none of the peasents had any food at all, claiming that the giant who lived in the mountains had stolen all that they had. Being unable to collect the taxes, (o r to find anything else worth taking) the tax collector returned to the king to bring him the news that there would be no taxes this year and to relay the story of the giant in the mountains. When the king of Trid heard of this he was outraged and order ed 100 of his bravest soldiers to go to the mountains, slay the giant, and bring back the lost crops. The soldiers began to march up a steep mountain path, but before they had gone too far, the giant appeared from around a corner and kicked all of the so diers off a nearby cliff. Only one soldier escaped death and he, being a good soldier, returned quickly to the king and told him of their misfourtions, after which he died of internal injuries. The king was now even angrier, and ordered 200 soldiers, le d by a preist, to march up the mountain and recover the crops. The soldiers instanly set off up the steep path, but around the same corner the giant came again and kicked all of the soldiers (and the preist) off the cliff. Once agin, one man returned t o the king to retell his sad story. The King of Trid was now FURIOUS and orderd 500 soldiers, led by a rabbi, to attempt the same mission. Once again the solders reached the cliff and were greeted by the horendous giant kicking them off the cliff. Every body was knocked off execept for the old rabbi, who watched the others meet their demise and then saw the giant turn to walk away. "Giant," the rabbi called, "why have you killed all of these men but spared me, an old rabbi?" The giant turned again, walke d to the rabbi and gently patted him on the head as he said, "Silly rabbi, Kicks are for Trids." ~Drew Courtney~ The Hunchback of Notre Dame wanted to go on vacation, so he put an add in the newspaper for a temp bell ringer. Well, weeks and weeks go by, and there the hunchback is, sitting on the bottom of the steps woeing his bad luck, when a short man with no a rms walks up to him and says: "Excuse me, but are you the hunchback who needed the bell ringer?" "Why yes I am, but how can you ring the huge bell, you have no arms?" "Let me show you, its amazing." said the little man. So up and up they go to the ve ry top of Notre Dame. And the little man walks to the very last possible inch and runs, face first, into the bell. "BANG!" went the bell. "WOW!" went the Hunchback."Can you do it again?" "Sure," said the little man. So he runs to the last possible inch a nd starts to run back. But the bell was still swinging, and right as the little man is about to run into it, it swang out of the way and the little man fell though the hole, all the way down into the street below. "Oh no, now I'll never get my vacation" s aid the Hunchback as he ran back down the stairs. By the time he got all the way down, the police had arrived. The detective asked the Hunchback if he new the name of the victim of the fall. "No, but his face sure rings a bell" ~XenaInTraining~ What kind of milk makes you blink? Past eur ized ~Shannarra~ What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands." ~unknown~ How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets. ~Gord Goudie~ Why does an elephant lie on the ground with its legs up in the air? To Trip Birds!! ~Win Graham~ A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!" ~Pat Nutter~ One day there was a guy named Mack. All his friends called him "Big Mack" because of his size. Mack had always wanted to be a bus driver, and one day his dream came true. He finally became one. They gave him his bus, which was yellow. When he saw it, he asked the boss "Can I paint it a bit, make it look better?" and the boss said he could. So he painted Sesame Street Characters all over the bus and off he went on his first route. His first passenger was a young, pale boy of about 8. When he stopped, Mack said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The young boy said "Oh hello, I'm Paul, but all my friends call me 'Special Paul' because they think I'm special". The boy got on the bus and Mack kept driving. At the next stop there were 2 really fat, obese ladies. When he stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The ladies introduced themselves as Patty and Patty (2 patty's). They got on the bus and away they went. At the next stop was this punk guy. When Mack stopped he said "Hi! My names Mack, but my friends call me Big Mack". The Punk said "Yeah Hi, I'm Lester, But people call me Lester Sneeze because I sneeze a lot." He got on the bus and away they went. Everything was going fine until Lester pulled out his knife and started to pick the Bunyins off his foot and fling them at the Paul. Paul got really scared and ran under the seat where the 2 Obese Patty's where. They didnt know what was happening and started to scream, and then Paul started crying and then Lester started picking his bunyins and flinging them at the 2 Patty's and Paul. Mack got really confused and didnt know what to do, so he ran off the bus and to the phone booth. He put his money in and called his boss. When he picked up, Mack said "HEY! I GOT A PROBLEM!!! I HAVE TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES SPECIAL PAUL AND LESTER CHEESE PIKCING BUNYINS ON A SESAME STREET BUS!!!!!" ~Andrew~ Blonde Jokes How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought! How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots. Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday. What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor. Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages. What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted. Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First. How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill. What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet? Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb .... two .... one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady. The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her. Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"? How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "white-out" all over the screen. How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "white-out". Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft. What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this was .... spilled finger nail polish. What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears .... trying to hold on to a thought. Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? .... because it said "concentrate". Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet .... she thought it was diet "coke". Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering .... the noise gave her a headache. Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips .... from trying to blow out lightbulbs. Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar .... she heard that the drinks were on the house. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs .... they don't know the route. Why does blondes have elevator jobs .... they like going up and down. Why do blondes work seven days a week .... so you don't have to retrain them on Monday. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work .... she opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it How did the blonde die drinking milk.......the cow sat down Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off the M & M's Why can't the blonde keep a job at the M & M factory .... she keeps throwing away the W's What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts .... change How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to sort out the W's How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 3 .... one to make batter and two to peel the M & Ms. How can you tell if a blonde has baked chocolate cookies .... there are M & M hulls all over the floor How can you tell if a blonde is going to back chocolate cookies .... she is throwing out all of the W's What is written at the bottom of a blonde's fishing pond .... bring your own fish Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool .... no smoking what does a blond do when someone says its chili outside .... she grabs a bowl what do you call a blonde with one brain cell .... gifted What do you call a blonde with two brain cells .... pregnant What is a blond with brunette died hair .... artificial intelligence Why did the blond stare at the orange juice .... it said concentrate Why Can't Blondes get "mad Cow Disease .... you can't get it twice How do you sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the door What stops then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red light What do you call two blondes in the freezer .... frosted flakes Pepsi came out with a new can just for blondes .... It has "open other end" printed on the bottom. Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears .... they're refuelling Why do blondes comb their bangs strait up .... They don't want anything going over their head How did the blonds brain cell die .... alone What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of doughnut seeds What do you call a smart blond .... Labrador How many blonde jokes are there? .... none, they're all true Why don't blonds ever become pharmacists .... It's too hard to fit the bottle in the typewriter Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio .... she didn't want one for nights Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet .... she was last years hide and seek winner Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous Why doesn't a blonde make Kool Aid .... couldn't get 8 glasses of water in the little packet What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in the handicapped zone What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under water .... a blonde trying to put it out What do you call a blonde with a brand new P.C .... a dumb terminal How do you call a blond .... you don't .... you whistle What does a blond say when she see's a banana skin on the side walk .... am going to fall again I'm a blonde and still like blonde jokes .... must have been written by a true blonde Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand .... so brunettes can understand them How did the blond burn her ear .... the phone rang while she was ironing What's a blond between 2 brunette .... a mental block Why do blondes wear their hair up .... to catch anything that goes over their heads Why does a blonde smile when there is lightening .... she thinks she is getting her picture taken There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but they could not get in .... the sign said, "must be 18 to enter" How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb .... only one .... she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her What do you call 3 blondes that walk into a building .... beats me .... you would think one of them would have seen it How do you drown a blonde .... glue a penny to the bottom of a pool Why are there no brunette jokes .... because blondes would have to think them up How does a blonde make instant pudding .... places the box in the microwave, and looks for the "instant pudding setting How do you confuse a blonde, put three shovels against the wall and tell her .... to take her "PICK" How do you drive a blonde crazy .... put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead .... trying to make up her mind What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes .... interpreter What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box .... a case of empties Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink .... that is where you clean all vegetables Why did it take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing signs that read .... stop clean bath room A blonde went to the doctor's with burnt feet, "how did you do it" asked the doctor" .... "cooking soup .... the instructions said "open can .... stand in boiling water for 7 minutes There were two blondes driving to disney land in Los Angeles. The were looking for signs that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign. It said "Disney, Left .... so they turned around and went back home Why can't a blonde make ice cubes .... Don't know the recipe How do you get rid of blondes .... form a circle, give each a gun and tell them they are a firing squad Why did the blonde buy a brown cow .... to get chocolate milk How did the blonde try to kill the bird .... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves .... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk .... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose .... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month .... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops .... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes .... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning .... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces .... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun .... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides .... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer .... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head .... a space invader. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case .... branch manager. What do you call a smart blonde .... a golden retriever. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes .... the back of her head. What does a blonde owl say .... what, what .... How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M's. Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence .... to see what is on the other side. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back .... from crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk". Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat .... in case she locks the keys in her car. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet .... so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why was blondes created .... because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge .... why were brunettes created .... neither could the blondes. Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor .... she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months .... because the box said from 2-4 years. Why did the blonde call the welfare office .... she wanted to know how to cook food stamps. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives .... the vegetable garden. What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon .... far - from - thinkin. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois .... oh look, donut seeds. What did the blonde name her pet zebra .... spot. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short .... so brunettes can remember them. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs .... they keep breaking them with the hammer. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head .... when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it. Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license .... because she got an F in sex. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air .... she missed. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear .... data transfer. What is gross ignorance .... 144 blondes. The blonde woke up to find her house on fire...she dialed 911 and said "come quick my house is on fire"...the 911 operator said "how do we get there?"...the blonde said "on the red fire truck, duh...." Sometimes Truth is Better Than Fiction...The following is a true story.... In July, 1997 a blonde from Wisconsin vacationed at a resort on Table Rock Lake near Branson, Missouri ....it was one of those hot summer days in the 90's, the air-conditioners were running in all of the resort cabins....A blonde came to the door of the owner's living quarters and said, "A fuse just blew in our cabin!" The owner went to the cabin. The air-conditioner was on and in the bathroom was an electric space heater ....turned on to it maximum output! The owner asked the blonde why she had the electric heater running while the air-conditioner was running....she told him she wanted to shave her legs and it was too cold in the room ....so she got the electric heater out of her car. (Wonder what happened to changing the thermostat on the air-conditioner?) She said when she got cold she got goose bumps and she was afraid she would cut the heads off of the goose bumps when she shaved her legs. What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road...there are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb...the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on. What is the blondes highest ambition in life...to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. What can save a dying blonde...hair transplants. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life...third grade. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common...you keep hearing about them, but never see any. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy...a hundred dollar bill. How do you confuse a blonde...You don't. They're born that way. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries...if she had a checkbook. How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on it. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook...she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot...bigfoot has been spotted. What does a blonde make best for dinner...reservations. What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on...it's on, it's off, it's on... What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts...change. What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear...thanks for the refill. What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek winner. What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine cellar. What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool...an air bubble. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel...an air bag. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes...a mental block. What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear...a wind tunnel. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle...a dope ring. What do you call a blonde in college...a visitor. What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty...a blonde parade. A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde...she got lost. Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting .... but I don't know how to cook skeet. Question to the blonde .... why do you have an ice pack on your chest .... to keep the milk fresh. How do blonde brain cells die .... alone. How do you measure a blonde's intelligence .... stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear. How to you keep a blonde busy all day .... put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you .... run .... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle .... shine a flashlight in her ears. How do you kill a blonde .... put spikes in her shoulder pads. Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads .... to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said "I dunno". How do blondes pierce their ears .... they put tacks in their shoulder pads. How do you drown a blonde .... put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Why do blondes hate M & M's .... they're to hard to peel. How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies .... there are M&M shells all over the floor. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory .... proof reading. How do you keep a blonde in suspense .... I'll tell you tomorrow. How do you keep a blonde busy .... write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes .... she lost the receipt. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed .... she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping. How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek .... one. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone .... divorced. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven .... she didn't know which 1 came first. Why are blondes so dumb .... so brunettes can understand them Why do blondes have more fun .... they are easier to keep amused. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear .... data transfer What does a blonde say when told she is pregnant .... Gee, Are you sure it's mine? Why don't blondes make Jello? .... they can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes .... Toes Go In First Why do blondes drive BMWs .... because they can spell it Why don't blondes eat pickles .... because they can't get their head in the jar The blonde went to the doctor and the doctor asked her how she got the hole in her left hand. She said I wanted to die so I was going to shoot myself. I put the gun up to my chest and thought "This isn't right...I would mess up my $3,000.00 boop job"....I then decided to stick the gun up my nose and thought "This won't work....it will mess up my $2,000.00 nose re-construction"...."so I put the gun to my right ear but I am afraid of noise so I put my left hand over my left ear" New father-in-law to his blonde daughter-in-law...Honey I was going to give you a new computer as a wedding present .... Why didn't you .... I hired a new blonde secretary and she couldn't get the "White Out" off of the screen .... What's "White Out"? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blondes are walking down the street when they spot a $100.00 bill. Who picks it up? .... The dumb blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart blonde. A blonde and her boy friend went for a walk along the river. The blonde walked across the bridge to the other side of the river and the bridge fell down .... The blonde yelled to her boy friend .... I can't get back across because the bridge fell down ....Boyfriend yelled back, walk to another bridge .... I can't it's 75 miles .... Wait until it is dark and I will shine my flashlight across the river. You get on the light beam and walk across ....No way, I will get half way across and you will the light off The blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building. Who hits the ground first .... the brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive in theater .... they went to see "closed for the winter". Why can't blondes get a job in a pharmacist .... they keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Two blonds were walking through some woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks" While they were arguing over what kind of tracks they were a train came by and ran over them. A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" .... "Oh, I'm sorry .... do you want me to start over and talk slower?" A blonde goes into the hair parlor with her walkman on .... I need to take the walkman off .... you can't I'll die .... but I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears .....you can't take it off, I'll die .... Flustered the hair stylist grabs the walkman and takes it off of the head of the blonde .... the blonde dies. The police come and listen to the walkman .... it is repeating "breath in", breath out, breath .... Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp, which said, " I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said "I wish I were smarter", so she became a redhead. The second blond said "I wish I were smarter than her" so she became a brunette. The third blonde said "I wish I were smarter then both of them" so she became a man. A blonde was driving through Iowa, past some corn fields, when she looked over and saw another blonde. She was setting in the corn rows and was rowing like she was in a boat. The blonde called over to the one in the corn field and said "It is stupid blondes like you that gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. I would come over there and knock your head off .... if I could swim." A policeman pulled a blonde over while she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street .... cop: Do you know where you are going? .... blonde: No, but whereever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving. Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 hours .... the directions said "cook it for half an hour per pound, she weighted 125 pounds. How to confuse a blonde? Ask one, "How do you confuse a blonde" and walk away .... they will bug you for the answer all day There was this Blonde driving home from work and she happened to see another Blonde girl out in a cornfield rowing like she was in a boat. She got out of her car and yelled hey you dumb Bimbo, It's blonde's like you that give all us other blonde's a bad name. I would over and knock your head off .... . if I could swim Two blondes are walking in the woods. On their venture they come upon a set of tracks. One of them turns to the other and says "I think these are bear tracks." the other disagrees and states "no they are deer tracks" .... while they continue to argue the train hits them There's a sack of gold in the middle of a room, and in the room, there's the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde. Who gets the gold .... The dumb blonde, because the rest are all make-believe A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down and there were only 4 parachutes. So the pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left .... the blonde took my backpack The blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat, so she could find the same fishing spot again .... and her blonde friend called her and "idiot" because they may not get the same boat again What do you call 10 blonds tied together at the bottom of the ocean .... an air pocket A blond and her boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across the river. While on the other side the bridge fell down. She called across to her friend that she couldn't get back. He yelled back, "Wait until dark, I will shine my flash light across the river .... get on the light beam and walk back" She replied .... "No, I'll get half way across and you will turn the light off" There was a blonde, who was tired of blonde jokes and being made fun of. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car and started driving in the country. All of a sudden, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. Asking him .... If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one? The shepherd thinking this was a pretty safe bet agreed .... 235 said the blonde .... . surprised the shepherd told her to pick one out. She looked around for a while and found one that she really liked .... she picked it up and was petting it. The shepherd walked over to her and said .... If I can guess your real hair color will you give me my sheep back .... the blonde thought it was only fair to let him try .... your a blonde .... now give me back my dog. A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies .... I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica There are three blondes stranded on an island, they want to cross the river but they don't know how .... they find a magic lamp. One of the blondes rubs it, the genie says "I'll give each one of you one wish." The first blonde says, "I wish I was ten times smarter than I was now. The blonde then learns to swim and swims across the river. The next blonde says, "I wish I was ten times smarter than she was." The genie turns the blonde into a brunette and she builds a boat and paddles across the river. The next blonde says ,"I wish I was twenty time smarter than both of them put together" .... The genie turns the blonde into a man and walks across the bridge There were three women walking across the beach, there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde and they found a magic lamp. So they rubbed it and of course a genie came out. The genie said" I'll grant you each 1 wish. The brunette said "I wish to be prettier." The genie said "POOF your prettier." The redhead said "I wish to be smarter "The genie said "POOF your smarter." The blonde said "I want to be dumber" The genie said "are you sure." The blonde said "yes I want to be dumber." So the genie said " POOF" and the blonde turned in to a man Three blonde women stand in front of a wide river and thinking of how they could get to the other side. Suddenly a ghost appears to them and says each of them has one wish. So the first one says, I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now. Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river. The second looks at that and says, I wanna be one thousand times as smart as I am now. Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then she sails over the river. The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be a million times as smart as I am now." She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side. Three blonde's were standing by a wide river and wondering how they could get to the other side. Suddenly a ghost appears to them and tells them they each have one wish. So the first one says, I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now. Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river. The second looks at that and says, I wanna be one thousand times as smart as I am now. Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then she sails over the river. The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be as smart as man" She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side. Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Q: How does a blond spell farm? A: E-I-E-I-O Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77? A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more. Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand. Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED? A: Who cares? Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter? A: They spread for the bread. Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed? A: Cherry Float Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE GOLFER WITH AN IQ OF 125? A: a foursome. Q: WHAT DO YOU GIVE THE BLONDE WHO HAS EVERYTHING? A: Penicillin. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity? A: B.J. Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A1: "All the blondes have gone home!" A2: Has that blonde gone yet? A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!? Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS? A: Some traffic signs say stop. How did the blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan. Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds. How does a psychic refer to a blonde?Light reading. Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that he had a twin sister?She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror. Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?She didn't know where to buy Left Guard! How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?The noise gave her a headache. Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? She wanted to see what he looked like asleep. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years." Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?She missed. Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator. How does a blonde commit suicide?She gathers all her clothes up, and jumps off. How do you drown a blonde?Leave a mirror at the bottom of the pool. What are the two hardest years in a blondes life? The sixth grade. Why are blonde's hair so high? To catch everything that goes over their heads. A Blonde came home to find her husband in bed with another woman. She ran downstairs and got the family gun. She ran back up the stairs and into the bedroom, and she put the gun to her head. Her husband jumped up and started screaming "No honey, no honey this doesn't mean anything it's not worth it." The blonde screams back at him, "SHUT UP! YOU'RE NEXT". What did the blonde get on her Math test?Lipstick. One day a blonde was walking down the road and someone ask her did their blinker work. She replied, "Yes, No, Yes, No." How do you know that a fax came from a blonde? It has a stamp on it. What do you call a blonde in a pool. An air bubble. Yo momma is so fat.... ....she eats Wheat Thicks. ....people jog around her for exercise. ....when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! ....when you get on top of her your ears pop! ....she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" ....she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. ....she got to iron her pants on the driveway. ....she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller. ....when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. ....when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE. ....God couldn't light Earth till she moved! ....NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! ....she's on both sides of the family! ....she has a run in her blue-jeans. ....that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. ....the animals at the zoo feed her. ....when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma is so ugly.... ....she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. ....she walked into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck. ....she gets 364 extra days to dress up for halloween. ....when she walks down the street people say, "Is it Halloween already?" ....the government moved Halloween to her birthday. ....your dad takes her to work with him so he won't have to kiss her goodbye. ....when she joined an ugly contest they said, "Sorry no professionals." ....she could make an onion cry. ....when she was born the doctor slapped her parents. Yo momma is so stupid.... ....it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes. ....she sits on the TV and watches the couch. ....she hears its chilly outside and gets a bowl and spoon. ....she thinks a quarterback is a refund. ....she tried to put M&M's in abc order. ....she sold her car for gas money. ....she thinks she's smart. ....she thought a hot me was stolen food. ....she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ....she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company. ....she took a spoon to the superbowl. ....when you stand next to er you can her the ocean. ....she cooks with Old Spice. ....she bought a solar powered flash light. Yo momma is so poor.... ....she does drive by's on the bus. ....she can't afford to pay attention. ....she goes to KFC to lick other peoples hands. ....she takes the skateboard out for a Sunday push. ....you can't kill the roaches cause they pay half the rent. ....she eats cereal with a fork to save milk. ....her TV has two channels on and off. ....she went to McDonald's to put a small fry on lay away ....her face is on the front of a food stamp. ....someone asked her why she was buying Hefty bags, and she said, "I'm getting new luggage." ....thieves break in and leave her money. ....she hangs toliet paper dry. A young businessman just out of buisness school was on his first day of the job. He sat down at his desk and was enjoying the satisfaction of this moment he had long worked for. As he sat enjoying the moment a potential client walked toward his door. The buisnessman opened his buisness pad and and furiously began writing and talking on the phone. He began talking on the phone saying, "Look Rob I've got to have five million or we can call it a day right now. ok. ok. yes. yes. Looks like we have a deal Rob, I'll get my secretary to get the papers ready. call u later. bye. Finally, hanging up the phone he stood up and shook the man's hand and asked him, "Good morning. How may I help you today?" The man replied, "Actually, I'm just here to hook up the phone." YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..... You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line." You actually like Spam. Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house. You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk. Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs. You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. Your kid calls your sister, mom. You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over. You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster. You've ever tried to drown a fish. You buy your jewelry at the hardware store. You drink Labatt 50. You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom. Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?" Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo. The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old. You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house. You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word. Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend. You mistake the offering plate for a spit can. You go to church to pick up women. You bring your dog with you to church. You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener. Your house gets picked up every week. If bar-b-que is a daily thing. You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house. You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug. You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse. You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house. You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions. You break wind in public and blame it on your kid. You've ever valet parked a snowplow. You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them. You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company. You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party. You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies. There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block. You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q:Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A:From chasing parked ambulances. Q:If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A:It might be your bicycle. Q:Where can you find a good lawyer? A:In the city morgue. Q:What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A:An offer you can't understand. A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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